Pregnancy Loss: Hope

Our pregnancy loss series continues today with Nichole. Nichole has suffered through multiple miscarriages and fertility treatments. They have now been selected by an expectant mom of twins! They hope to be placed with these sweet twin girls in December. We are so happy for your match, Nichole! Thank you for opening up those painful wounds and sharing your story with us.

My husband and I’s journey begins almost 9 years ago. We had just gotten married and were anxious to start a family right away. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen very easy for us and finally after three years of trying and seeking medical intervention, we found out we were pregnant for the first time. We called everyone, told everyone, I would have shouted it from the mountain tops if I could have. We went to our Dr. for our first appointment and that is when we found out that the pregnancy wasn’t viable.

I was in shock! It took us so long to get this far that miscarriage was never even on my radar. I never expected this! I spent three days in bed crying, and then after a couple of months, we were ready to try again. We tried and we tried, but nothing worked. After an additional year and a half of trying again we decided to pursue domestic adoption, and that is when we found ourselves pregnant for the second time. Completely natural, no medical intervention, just a spontaneous pregnancy that so many take for granted.

I was elated. It was the perfect scenario, it was a complete shock, and it was a child created from love without doctors intervening. This time however, we didn’t tell people, we kept this information to ourselves until we knew that this little one was going to stick. It didn’t. About a week and a half later I was starting to miscarry and my husband was working out of town. After our second miscarriage I felt numb and was certain that I would never become a mom.

We took some time after that miscarriage and decided that if I could get pregnant naturally, maybe we should revisit fertility treatments. So back to the Dr. we went in 2011 and what followed was a whirlwind of a year including massive amounts of hormones and injections and ultimately 2 more miscarriages.

I hated my body. Why was my body KILLING our babies? Doctors had no idea, they could not give us any answers.  I was so angry and hurt and I couldn’t even trust my own body. We were done, no more fertility treatments for us. I couldn’t bear one more miscarriage. I couldn’t bear telling my husband one more time that my body was failing us.

My heart has always been open to adoption even as a young girl. I always knew I wanted to adopt, so after we healed from our last two miscarriages we once again started the process of becoming certified. That has led us to present day where we are currently working with an amazing birth mother carrying twin girls. It has taken me a lot to trust that the adoption will go through and that in the beginning of December we will finally, after almost 9 years, be a mommy and daddy. I feel like we have been beaten, battered and bruised but I truly feel in my heart that what we have been fighting so hard for is going to happen very soon. We have a wonderful relationship with the twin’s birth mother that I will cherish my entire life.

This prospective adoption has not only given us hope again, but it has given us the ability to trust, to love and the opportunity to be a mommy and daddy to babies here on Earth while our Heavenly Angels watch over us.

Nichole designed this tattoo for herself. The bottom sea turtle is made out of a fertility symbol and the top turtle is made out of a child loss awareness ribbon.